My First Business Trip

I think that "the first night away" is a big milestone as a new mom...especially a breastfeeding mom simply because I really was the only person who could feed my son for months on end, so the first time I spent more than a few hours away was hectic and stressful. Then a few weeks ago, I spent my first night away from Daniel (see earlier post). Matt and I dropped him off with family at 5pm and we returned at 9am. We were 20 short minutes away.

Well, those milestones were nothing compared to this! I just checked into a hotel 3,000 miles away from my baby. I'm in San Francisco and will be here for the next 4 days. I feel lonely and sad and, of course, guilty. I guess my feelings are quite complex because I feel guilty for leaving him AND for wanting to be here.

I just took on a new role at work which will require travel a few times a quarter. This is where the complexity comes in. I actually love traveling for business. Visiting other Google offices is so much fun and getting around the country is always exciting. So how do I separate wanting to go on business trips from wanting to leave Daniel? Should I not want to travel anymore? Will I get used to it (I sobbed when Matt and Daniel dropped me off at the airport -Daniel staring at me with a smile through the window didn't help!)?

I'm also a bit more emotional because I started weaning about a month ago and I'm down to only nursing Daniel in the morning and before bed. Being gone for 5 days is just a weaning slap in the face! I really hope to continue to nurse him in the morning and at night when I come home (yes, I'm pumping... funny story from the airplane) but what if he just isn't interested?

And, of course, I have to wonder if he'll even remember me by the end of the week?

I'm craving him and I've only been away for 8 hours. I never knew this feeling could exist.