Weaning

Yesterday was the first day that I did not nurse Daniel or pump in his absence.

I've been weaning him for about a month, which had convinced me that it would be easy to close this chapter of our lives... but after speaking to my friend, Sara, tonight I have to admit that it's taking a bit more of an emotional toll than I expected or planned on.

If you recall from this previous post (oh my how little Daniel was then), breastfeeding did not come easily to me. In fact, I struggled through every day of it for 6 weeks and cried my way through countless days and nights. But, once it all clicked into place I was able to experience something that fills me with such joy and pride that it's actually difficult to express in words.

As the time came for me to return to work, I was offered a new position which would require me to travel and I knew I didn't want to travel with my pump. So, I began the task of weaning. I slowly withdrew one "meal" a day from my body, watching in amazement as my milk supply automatically adjusted to meet the needs of the demand (demand being meals). I wondered if it affected Daniel emotionally, but this kid will eat anything - be it breast, bottle or floor tile - so I wasn't so worried.

But by the time I was only nursing Daniel in the morning, I realized that it just wasn't enough. He seemed to be losing interest and not nursing for as long as usual and seemed to focus only on playing in our bed with us.

So, yesterday Daniel woke up earlier than usual and I jumped out of bed, went to the kitchen and prepared a bottle of formula.

Daniel downed it.

I, on the other hand, felt like something great was missing from my morning. The only cuddling time that I ever get these days now that my little baby boy is constantly moving and reaching and squirming is in the early morning when he snuggles up next to me, nurses, dozes off and nurses again. And I made the decision to end that.

And while it's sad for me and the actual physical feelings cannot be replicated, I am lucky that all of Daniel's delicious nursing habits have remained with bottles. He pushes his head against my chest, wraps one hand around my back and pinches my skin and uses his other hand to play with my hair, touch my neck and chest while he looks me in the eyes and smiles.

Bye, bye nursing. See you next baby!