Monday, February 1, 2010

My First Business Trip

I think that "the first night away" is a big milestone as a new mom...especially a breastfeeding mom simply because I really was the only person who could feed my son for months on end, so the first time I spent more than a few hours away was hectic and stressful. Then a few weeks ago, I spent my first night away from Daniel (see earlier post). Matt and I dropped him off with family at 5pm and we returned at 9am. We were 20 short minutes away.

Well, those milestones were nothing compared to this! I just checked into a hotel 3,000 miles away from my baby. I'm in San Francisco and will be here for the next 4 days. I feel lonely and sad and, of course, guilty. I guess my feelings are quite complex because I feel guilty for leaving him AND for wanting to be here.

I just took on a new role at work which will require travel a few times a quarter. This is where the complexity comes in. I actually love traveling for business. Visiting other Google offices is so much fun and getting around the country is always exciting. So how do I separate wanting to go on business trips from wanting to leave Daniel? Should I not want to travel anymore? Will I get used to it (I sobbed when Matt and Daniel dropped me off at the airport -Daniel staring at me with a smile through the window didn't help!)?

I'm also a bit more emotional because I started weaning about a month ago and I'm down to only nursing Daniel in the morning and before bed. Being gone for 5 days is just a weaning slap in the face! I really hope to continue to nurse him in the morning and at night when I come home (yes, I'm pumping... funny story from the airplane) but what if he just isn't interested?

And, of course, I have to wonder if he'll even remember me by the end of the week?

I'm craving him and I've only been away for 8 hours. I never knew this feeling could exist.


  1. The guilt.... the whole band of mothers understands.
    And the ambivalent feelings are so honest and true...
    Your family will benefit from your fullfillment.
    Your baby will blossom as you do...
    Brava, Marnidear!

  2. Anonymous2/02/2010

    I loved watching him fall asleep! It's so beautiful. I miss it so much!!! You are a lucky lucky lady. I know you are enjoying every minute... miss you love you xo, Tracie Krieger

  3. Can hardly believe your first biz trip was SO SOON after your return to work. I was supposed to go to Las Vegas with work when Clio was 4 months, and I begged off- I couldn't figure out how I would pump when we drove out into the desert for a day trip to see the earthworks nearby! Janie's right- the conflict of wanting two somewhat mutually exclusive things is the paradox of being a mother. It's "natural"... and we all adjust, even if it always still feels like an adjustment. Thinking of you.